DIRTY ASTROLOGY

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 It's 3:49 a.m. in San Antonio, Texas and I'm listening to another Moon Zappa interview at YouTube. Insomnia. I recently devoured Moon's memoir, Earth To Moon. I can't say that I recommend it but I'm glad I read it. Moon is a Libra with a Cancer moon.

When I woke up a couple of hours ago I thought, "I should look at the transits of June 30, 2010." That was one of the most important days of my life and by "most important" I mean one of the worst. This day marked me. I will never fully recover. I'd like to. I'd love to. But Saturn in the tenth house tops my chart and I was born to teenage parents in rural Texas. I've got a Taurus MC. I am a realist.

I went to astro.com and plugged in the data. It was a Wednesday. I was in a hotel room in San Francisco, California with a man I considered a soulmate. His name was Joe Pachinko. His books are still at Amazon. He has one video at YouTube. On this day he said goodbye to me. He ended our friendship because I got sloppy drunk the night previous and tried to seduce him. We were sharing a bed. I was in love. So sex seemed logical to me. We had spent a week together in Santa Cruz, Ben Lomond and San Francisco. Joe was a functional alcoholic. I never could handle my alcohol. Anyway, I was married to a man Joe considered a friend, although they were not close. Both men spent time in Oakland (Joe was born there) and they had a sun sign (Leo) and Venus (Virgo) in common. I've got Virgo rising and a Virgo moon. I get stuck in the details and tend to ramble. So I was married to a man Joe considered a friend and Joe was still getting over his last two exes. He had told me he was not ready for a romantic relationship. He loved me but was not IN love with me, as the tired and sad saying goes. Our night together in Joe's cabin on top of a mountain in Ben Lomond was the most magical night of my life. It's all in Bullshit Rodeo, the novel he inspired. No sex. But lots of music and laughter. I was the first woman and probably the last to give him butterfly kisses.

The butterfly plays a big role here, hence the image grabbed from astromatrix.org. The last sentence of Bullshit Rodeo: "The dead butterfly did not make it to heaven."

On Thursday July 1, 2010 I sat alone in the Albuquerque Sunport (I literally had the entire airport to myself...it was like a "Twilight Zone" episode) furiously scribbling the genesis of my novel in my butterfly journal. And when I got home I wanted to die. I was crumpled on the floor of my closet sobbing. My toddler son tried to comfort me. Doesn't get much lower and darker than that. After a week of falling apart I checked into a psych ward in Dallas.

The transits? On Wednesday June 30, 2010 the sun was in Cancer conjunct my south node, opposite my Mars in Capricorn, square my Pluto in Libra. The moon was in Pisces, an out of sign conjunction with my Aquarius sun. And the transit that stands out the most, the one I Googled, is Uranus at zero degrees Aries opposite my Pluto at three degrees Libra. My Google search led me to astromatrix.org where I found this:

"During this time, you might feel an intense urge to break free from any constraints that have been holding you back." And keywords listed include: transformation, power struggles, liberation, intensity, rebellion, deep change, unpredictability, crisis, evolution, awakening.

By "dirty astrology" I do not mean "sexy astrology." I'm talking about digging in the metaphorical dirt, going deep to get answers. I am 52 years old now but I am still the four or five year old girl who found a dead butterfly on a sidewalk in Goree, Texas in 1977 and buried it as a kind of experiment. I returned to the dirt the next day, dug it up. The dead butterfly did not make it to heaven. 

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